“Mourning is the most intense process that most people ever go through. Grief is complex, unpredictable and primal. Many people are frightened by it-frightened by feeling it, frightened by seeing in others. Fortunately, there are ways to move through it, and those ways all involve expressing your feelings. If you act upon your grief, you will make room in your life and in your heart for hope and happiness. If you suppress it, it sticks around forever. However, unpleasant or disturbing some of those feelings may be, there is no benefit in trying to ignore them.”
This is the first paragraph of Chapter 12 in my book co-written with Nancy Hathaway, entitled Giving Sorrow Words: How to Cope with Grief and Get on with Your Life.
As we approach the holidays and I see more and more people posting remembrances on our Facebook pages, I am reminded of these words over and over again. This year our grief is compounded by COVID-19, political differences, isolation from our family and friends, job losses and so much more. Every day the headlines remind us of how many are still suffering from the deaths of our loved ones as the result of this deadly virus.
The holidays are an especially difficult time for those of us who have lost loved ones no matter what the circumstances. I personally think it’s even worse when those tragedies and anniversaries occur around this time of year or any holiday for that matter.
My daughter, Cari, was killed just before Mother’s Day and I remember how impossible it was for me to function that day. I didn’t want any of the affection given to me by my two remaining children. I didn’t want breakfast in bed, or Mother’s Day cards; I just wanted to crawl into a hole and not feel any more pain. It was difficult for all of us. I will never forget the first Christmas after Cari’s death. The district attorney sent me an envelope with her bloody clothes inside, that included a form letter telling me that now that the case had been resolved, her clothes were no longer needed as evidence. I broke down, sobbed, then got angry, and called them up and gave them a piece of my mind for their insensitivity. All this to say that while some days were tolerable, most (especially in the beginning) were not, and the only way I managed to get through it was taking each day, one step at a time.
I would like to share some things I have learned over the years that have helped me and those I work with who are also grieving. Some of what I would like to share came from the grief facilitating I have done, and even more when I was researching my book. We interviewed hundreds of people and attended a number of grief conferences plus I have faced numerous losses in my own life. I often feel like I have become an unintended “expert” in grief.
By Candace Lightner
Victim Advocate
Co-Founder NAC
Campaign & Strategy Director
